March 13, 2011

Saturday I almost has been 3 weeks exactly

     We've all heard about situations whether real or in movies where someone has lost a limb yet experiences phantom pain.  I can truly relate to that in my own way.  There was a time or two Saturday when everything just seemed "normal".  As if my world hadn't been redefined by a walker or stutter.  Of course reality came crashing through but those moments felt almost ethereal.  We were watching Wild Wild West, a family fave despite its horrible reviews, and I wanted a drink.  Without thinking I started to move to get up as I would have and well my body didn't respond as it would've 3 weeks ago.  I'll admit it ruined the rest of my night.
     But let me back up and share my glorious day.  It started off really nice.  Michae,l Meg and I had b'fast at the Pig (Patrick was in Orlando at a Film/TV Conference for school).  From there we went to a Church Bazaar where I got a wardrobe for Em's room for only $5! It needs a ton of work but what a deal!  MaryEllen's friend was coming over~ it was going to be a great day.  Michael dropped me home and went back with the van to pick up the furniture.  While he was gone a salesman came to the door.  Now getting up to the door isn't my quickest move LOL.  He said I told him 2 weeks ago to come back...... um no I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago sorry.  He left and I went back into the other room and sat down.  His partner then came to the door....Ma'am your husband told us to come back.  I'm thinking no Michael would never think to buy one of those frozen meal plans (Schwann's excepted of course)  So I say no thank you...but of course not as elegantly as I'd like and stuttered almost every word :0(.  Now my screen door was open so I called out to him as I really didn't want to get up again for something I wasn't interested in.  Walking away he says/yells that lady's retarded she doesn't know what we're saying!! OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!  If I could have ran outside I would have...I got to the door as they were getting ready to pull out of the driveway and like one of those crazy people you hear about yelling at kids to stay off their lawns I start yelling at them.  I heard what you said and asked what company are you's the intelligence of what I was dealing with...the answer given was a different steak company known in the area.  Their panel truck not only has the name on the front but a huge picture with the company's name on the side!!! The co-hort now is making rude gestures out the window as they drive away.  At first I felt so justified and confident then it all came crashing in on me.  He really thought I was retarded!  I know I was dealing with a sub-human but those words really really stung.  I needed to take control back so found the website and sent an email as there was no phone number posted.  This didn't do it.  It truly rocked my world.  Shortly after Michael came home with the furniture and the girls.  Thank heavens Kalla was with Meg as I think I would have just broke down and cried but didn't want to embarrass her. 
The diagnosis from my speech therapists is aphasia.  Aphasia is an acquired communication disorder that impairs a person's ability to process language, but does not affect intelligence. (Borrowed from a Speech Therapy website).  What this means for me at least is very often I can't find the word that I want.  While my brain chooses a word getting it to come out is a whole other story.  Also another part of my problem is that I am used to talking at my Long Island rate of speed.  An easy way to understand this is that my brain is processing at 50 mph while my speech is hovering around 30 (if I'm lucky).  Frustrating.... you can't imagine.  Then add my newly acquired stuttering to this and then your throat gets dry and well one just seems to amplify the other and next thing you know I can barely get out a sentence.  If I am tired it all just falls apart completely.  Stress also affects this as well.  Being out and about amongst strangers I'd prefer not to talk at all. 
     Well our day did progress and I felt a bit better.  We dropped the girls at the movies (Rango ~ha ha I saw it first) went shopping, stopped in at Chili's and rented movies.  Dinner was brought by friend ~ turkey a real treat for my family as I only make this at Thanksgiving.  I worked in the garage a bit sorting through donated books for a project I was helping with...and it happened again, forgot my limitations and nearly fell (thank heavens no one saw that graceful moment). 
     I guess Saturday was just the first day of a reality that I have to accept even though it won't be for long.
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