October 2, 2011

Stroked Interference?

It has been two weeks. Well tomorrow will have been two weeks.  Two weeks since I was able to create a post.  I know it doesn't sound like much but it has really been a struggle.  I truly envy those people who can just sit down to their computers and whip out a post. 
    It’s not as if I haven't tried writing.  One night last week I couldn't sleep and had this idea for a post, ok it was a bit of a rant but I do know how much y'all love and are entertained by them.  For two hours I wrote and ranted about abuses and injustices.  It was great.  I headed to bed pleased with what I had written ready to do a final read in the morning then post it.  Thank heavens I have a routine of allowing a post to "stew" before sharing it with you.  My post was horrid.  It didn't read well, felt heavy and simply stank.
     I didn't have writer's block as there are a few topics bouncing around in my mind.  What seems to be the problem is my writing.  Prior to my stroke I avoided writing situations.  I could create a Christmas newsletter but it was real work.  Once it took me six weeks to finish an important letter.  That's how crazy I can get about writing and making sure the words can't be misinterpreted.  But what I'm experiencing now feels different.
     Writing has been a therapy for me since the stroke.  Finding my voice in a new way has been empowering.  Creating this blog and watching it grow and reach people has been a great ride which I don't believe is over in anyway shape or form.  To say it has been frustrating these last two weeks is a bit of an understatement.  This also means that I shared it with Maureen this week at Stress Therapy.  To be honest there are a number of stressful situations occurring at the moment.  Learning how my body handles and processes stress is the point of my working with Maureen.  Stress factors strongly contributed to my stroke in the first place so recognizing and handling new stress factors is very important. 
     What I don't understand is if writing helped me through recovery immediately after my stroke why would it not serve the same purpose now?  Why can't I find the words?  Why does my voice sound so different?  Is this some sort of warning?  Is body currently processing stress in such a way that I can't create?  Am I headed for another stroke?  As crazy as all of these questions sound I've spent a lot of time visiting each of them.  The scariest question is if all the hard word I've done has not helped what is there for me to do?
     So that is what I am bringing to you, my fears.  This blog was started to share my stroke recovery and this is a part of it.  I am terrified of having another stroke.  I know how fortunate I was the first time.  I also know that stress is a part of everyday life.  I have to somehow retrain my body in how it handles stress, and as of yesterday that's some 48 years of retraining.  Children do learn what they live and my childhood lessons regarding stress were to suck it up and just bend with the storm. 
     At Maureen's suggestion I am writing this post to be honest about recovery and how it has its setbacks, struggles and fears.  How recovery can at times be just as frustrating months in as it was in the beginning

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