June 21, 2013

Had a MAJOR Meltdown at Weight Watchers

I absolutely lost it last night at Weight Watchers.  I feel like a complete fake.
     Reality is I have been crying uncontrollably since I stepped on the scale Thursday at 5:40.  Minutes before I recorded a voice memo expressing concerns over the fact I wasn't wearing one of my 4 regular dresses to weigh in.  If you recall I always try to dress in similar clothes so that I can't blame the scale's negative movement on wearing heavier clothes.  My fear was that the denim dress as wearing would be just heavy enough to keep me from crossing the goal line of having lost 52 pounds.                         But in all honesty I was confident I would be very close to the 1.2 pounds that I needed to lose.  I have been incredibly faithful this past week about tracking every single bite.  I always stayed right at or below my daily allotment of 40 points, never needed to dip into the 49 extra points allowed each week.  I also post my food (cause I love playing with my new iPhone) on MyFitnessPal and it had me losing weight consistently this past week.
 June wasn't there tonight and there was a new member so I was weighed in by someone I didn't know.  Smiling I handed her my book, and proudly told her I was hoping for 1.2 pounds.  Very quietly and with a frown on her face tells me you've actually gained some this week, 1.8 pounds.  She hands me my book and I feel like I've been dismissed from the Principal's office.  I cut a quick look to Pam who is working with the newbie of bewilderment.  Hubby, who has lost weight this week (WOO HOO) is looking for my thumbs up.  By the time I sit next to him I can't stop the tears rolling down my face.  He's trying to be supportive and encouraging but I just can't hear it.  Thankfully he suggests we leave.  Once we're out the door the sobs I've been holding back just escape.
     I can't explain it but hitting 52 pounds was so important to me. More than hitting 50.  I know how stupid and weird is that??? I needed this accomplishment and I thought no believed with every fiber of my being that I had done it (outside of the dress issue).  
     I didn't come short of my goal by a few ounces which was what I had prepared myself for.  No I actually undid 3 weeks of work.  The worst part is I can't even say I lost 50 pounds anymore because this colossal failure now has me back at 49 pounds.  I couldn't even put my bracelet back on and see that bead  That stupid beautiful green bead that was to be my reminder, my motivation now reminds me of this failure.  I've since taken it off my bracelet as how I can wear something I didn't earn? 
     1.8 pounds that's serious weight people and I just don't understand it at all.  I've been drinking my water, watching my protein and fiber.  I even cut back on the black and white cookies this past week.  
     The other really really bothering me is that all of this played out in front of Meg.  Of all the days for her to have to come with me to Weight Watchers, it was today.  She's been so supportive and I struggle even with that at times.  How can I expect her to not stress out about her weight when I fall apart over having gained 1.8 pounds?  How can I help her understand that eating healthy will not cause her to gain weight when that is exactly what I believe happened to me this week?  
     If this is what anorexics feel like when they're on the scale god bless them all.  Yes I understand their perception is warped but the pain is intense.  You feel so betrayed.  How could your body do this to you? 
     I can only imagine (as I love playing this game with myself) some people saying, oh my god get over yourself it is only 1.8 pounds.  Heck there are days when I would probably be the snarky one saying that. I cannot explain it and I'm sorry.
     The other reason I feel so intensely horrible is because of my journey with you on this blog.  I actually start writing my posts for Losing Fat Loving Food Fridays early in the week.  Adding recipes and challenges as the days go on so all I pretty much have to do Thursday nights after Weight Watchers is fill in my weight change.  Well this week's post wound being published earlier than it was supposed to due to my mis-scheduling the post and the glorious various programs out there that do their job.
     You see I so bravely wrote that it didn't matter what the scale said.  Again I didn't expect my actual weight loss to have dropped from 50.8 to 49.  See what I get for being arrogant!!  I can't embrace that number with pride as I'm so heart-brokenly disappointed.
     I don't think I realized until tonight how much I've tied my progress into Meg's recovery and our joint goal of being at a healthy weight.  Do you really think she's going to be able to embrace gaining any weight at all after the scene I had today?  Great role model huh.  Yes she knows that every week the  scale isn't my bff but I've reacted like this.  So here it is over 12 hours later and I'm still crying as I write this.
     I know I'm not giving up.  I just don't know how to get past this horrible feeling of defeat.
So I am sorry if the words I wrote in this week's LFLF doesn't ring true, I promise you I believed it when I wrote it
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