Stroked Interference?

   
It has been two weeks. Well tomorrow will have been two weeks.  Two weeks since I was able to create a post.  I know it doesn't sound like much but it has really been a struggle.  I truly envy those people who can just sit down to their computers and whip out a post. 
    It’s not as if I haven't tried writing.  One night last week I couldn't sleep and had this idea for a post, ok it was a bit of a rant but I do know how much y'all love and are entertained by them.  For two hours I wrote and ranted about abuses and injustices.  It was great.  I headed to bed pleased with what I had written ready to do a final read in the morning then post it.  Thank heavens I have a routine of allowing a post to "stew" before sharing it with you.  My post was horrid.  It didn't read well, felt heavy and simply stank.
     I didn't have writer's block as there are a few topics bouncing around in my mind.  What seems to be the problem is my writing.  Prior to my stroke I avoided writing situations.  I could create a Christmas newsletter but it was real work.  Once it took me six weeks to finish an important letter.  That's how crazy I can get about writing and making sure the words can't be misinterpreted.  But what I'm experiencing now feels different.
     Writing has been a therapy for me since the stroke.  Finding my voice in a new way has been empowering.  Creating this blog and watching it grow and reach people has been a great ride which I don't believe is over in anyway shape or form.  To say it has been frustrating these last two weeks is a bit of an understatement.  This also means that I shared it with Maureen this week at Stress Therapy.  To be honest there are a number of stressful situations occurring at the moment.  Learning how my body handles and processes stress is the point of my working with Maureen.  Stress factors strongly contributed to my stroke in the first place so recognizing and handling new stress factors is very important. 
     What I don't understand is if writing helped me through recovery immediately after my stroke why would it not serve the same purpose now?  Why can't I find the words?  Why does my voice sound so different?  Is this some sort of warning?  Is body currently processing stress in such a way that I can't create?  Am I headed for another stroke?  As crazy as all of these questions sound I've spent a lot of time visiting each of them.  The scariest question is if all the hard word I've done has not helped what is there for me to do?
     So that is what I am bringing to you, my fears.  This blog was started to share my stroke recovery and this is a part of it.  I am terrified of having another stroke.  I know how fortunate I was the first time.  I also know that stress is a part of everyday life.  I have to somehow retrain my body in how it handles stress, and as of yesterday that's some 48 years of retraining.  Children do learn what they live and my childhood lessons regarding stress were to suck it up and just bend with the storm. 
     At Maureen's suggestion I am writing this post to be honest about recovery and how it has its setbacks, struggles and fears.  How recovery can at times be just as frustrating months in as it was in the beginning

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Still here/God's Cake

Just a quick note to say sorry that I haven't posted in a bit... thank you for the many emails and encouragement.  Everything here is fine :0) I just can't seem to get those creative juices flowing but hope to have something soon>

I shared this on fb thought all of you may enjoy this as well:
I can't take credit for this.  We found it on the wall of the restroom at our new favorite bakery..... Cupcake Girls
God’s Cake
A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong.
She’s failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her, and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack. The daughter looks at her mother and say, “You know it, Mom! I love your cake.”
“Here, have some cooking oil,” her mother offers.
“Yuck,” says her daughter.
“How about a couple of raw eggs?” the mother asks.
“Gross, Mom!”
“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”
“Mom, those are all nasty!”
At this point, the mother says to her daughter something that puts things in perspective:

“Yes, all those things seem bad by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!”

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through bad or difficult times. God knows that when He puts these things — our life, the universe, or anything at all — in the order He knows is best, things always work for our good! We just have to trust Him, knowing that things will turn out fine.
When we’re going through troubled times, sometimes it seems to be an eternity before things get better, but when we’re in the middle of the fire — when things are at their absolute worst, we must simply know, in our heart, that God is there, totally in control of the situation (if we allow Him), and is working all things out for our good. When we try to keep things in our control, well, that’s when we knock things off-kilter with God’s plans for our lives. At that point, you see, God will have to work His plans for our life in a different way — and when He has to do that, sometimes the consequences of our actions have to play out, as severe as they may be — but in the end, His plan still comes shining through.
God really is focused on us — the creatures He calls people. We are supposedly civilized. If you stop and look around, many of the things we do to each other are anything but civil, but what’s He do for us every day? He sends us flowers every spring, a sunrise every morning, and birds to sing and serenade us each and every day.
Whenever you want to talk, He’s ready to listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, yet He chose your heart.
If you like this, share this page with other people you really care about.
My thoughts
As you head out into the world today — no matter if it is morning, noon, or night — reflect of this story and try to understand how life really can be a piece of cake.

The Easter that wasn't?

     Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  Spring is my favorite season.  Hyacinths and Tulips are my favorite flower.  MaryEllen's blood was miraculously cured onEaster (Doctor's words!!) So together the whole thing just works for me. 2011 just didn't happen.
     This is the weird thing though.  In the last 2 days not one or two but a number of people have mentioned that this Easter just wasn't what it normally is.  At first I thought it was a Florida thing as the temp here was in the 90's!! But that wasn't the case.  A friend on LI had a real laid back Easter and her son commented how they didn't color eggs.  Another friend across the country noted how they didn't even buy Jelly Beans!!
     HMMM why the lack of EASTERNESS this year???  Well in my world... which of course this blog is all about.... I really think the late timing of Easter had a lot to do with it.  Did you know that the latest Easter can be is April 25 and that won't happen until 2035. The earliest it can be is March 22 and that will never occur in our lifetime.  A couple years back Easter was March 23 in 2008 and that will be the earliest all reading this blog and their grandchildren will ever see. So essentially this year was the second latest it could be and it tanked!!
     So to back up my theory here are other things to ponder.
The timing:
This is how our annual schedule usually happens:
Winter yuck brightened by Valentines.  Then eat up those chocolates because Lent is shortly behind.  Get Happy in March for St Patrick's day and before you know it Easter is here.  There's a bit of a break with weekends free then Mother's Day.
OH NO not this year.  Lent didn't even start until March 9th.  Valentine's candy and even those we bought on clearance were long gone.  Now see right there~ issues in my life.  I usually buy that clearance candy and save it for Easter... soo didn't happen this year as there was plenty of time to enjoy it before Lent.  Now I can't say that happened in my house as, well I wasn't around for the post Valentine's Clearance~~ Hey another thing to blame on the stroke~It's great to be in my world and Royal.
The weather:
  Easter, even here is Florida, is usually enjoyed with pleasant Spring weather.  Nice breezes, blue skies. Today my car thermometer showed the outside temperature to be 97.  Now I want you all to be impressed as well as feel as sense of my commitment to you: I just spent the last 15 minutes googling and yahooing and well searching everywhere possible to find out what the highest temperature recorded was this Sunday here in Jacksonville... you could find out more about the life expectency of a fire ant (that's another blog) than past weather. But with today's temp in the high 90's it is safe to assume Sunday wasn't that much lower.  Hide Easter Eggs in this weather.... better be sure they're boiled or the kids will crack open eggs to find them scrambled.  Or better yet the candy filled eggs?  Can't you just see some cute preschooler in her pretty white easter dress opening up an egg that once held a chocolate treat only to have it drip all over!! Who needs a microwave for peep fun just leave them out in the sun.... ooo have you tried chocolate covered peeps~ so did not need to discover that one.
The Flowers:
     Easter is a lunar based holiday and many of the traditional Easter flowers are bulb based so that works.  EXCEPT for growers.  Usually EAster flowers are set out and THEN the spring bed flowers.  There are articles for growers and suppliers on how to handle the limited space available for all thier flowers.  Usually tulips are around for Easter.  Nope dead and gone this year.  Even my hyacinths weren't available, well not at reasonable prices.


Well those are my gripes but it all boils down to me just still struggling with what I can and can't do.  This year was also rough as Emily wasn't home and it was our first real holiday without her.  I did get her basket to her in Mobile and am so glad she was folded into the Hembree family's Easter weekend activities. 

You know what though despite all of that Easter was and always will be glorious.  Whether the meal is all it should be.  The weather is hot or cold and rainy. The baskets get filled or not. It all boils down to:

He's Alive and I'm Forgiven!!!