My Daughter's Heart Broke Today ~ Good Bye Zayn Malik

One of the roughest things a parents has to do is watch their child suffer.  It is even harder when you can't relate to their pain whatsoever.

You're over 21, that's nice. Where are your parents? #parenting

Aren't you legally responsible for yourself once you're 21?   When did the rules change and why wasn't I informed?

Loving Calvin and Hobbes once more

I realize it is Friday and you're expecting my weekly Weight Watchers post.  However I discovered this incredible creation from Zen Pencils and had to share it with you.   I have never re-blogged some one's post before so you that this is beyond great.

It is that simple....

     Today's post is short, sweet and simple.  Go hug your child.  That's right go hug them right now or as soon as possible.  We know what blessings they are- make sure that they know it too.

~~This post is in honor of my friend Crystal who beyond an incredible miracle will be making funeral arrangements for her 17 yr old son this time next week.

Today I Crushed My Son's Dream

     Monday was a rough parenting day period paragraph.  I had the glorious experience of shooting down one of my son's dreams.  Whoever thinks parenting toddlers are rough have no clue what teenagers/young adults are like.
     It is hard parenting your child when they are officially no longer a child yet not really an adult.  Sure they can vote at the age of 18 and buy a gun but really what other power do they really have?  (OK not the best examples) The over whelming majority are not only living at home but are still dependent on their parents in some way or another.  They are out in the world where opportunities abound and like most in that age group believe themselves to be invincible.  Finding our role as parents in that world isn't easy.

Alabama just s**ks** and it is my fault

  OK I take that back.  The state of Alabama doesn't suck nor does the University of Alabama ~ Roll Tide Roll.  What sucks is that my daughter attends school in Mobile, Alabama which is 7 hours away.
     I encouraged my daughter to attend a school far away.  I believe that not being able to come home at the drop of a hat helps to foster a stronger sense of independence.  When I went to school I specifically searched for a college that was as far away from home as possible that allowed me to keep my state scholarship.  SUNY Geneseo was my home away from home for 5 years and the best decision I made.  Unlike my parents who never visited until Senior Year I am an involved parent who is used to supporting my children and their activities. Being 7 hours away this weekend especially sucks :(

     This weekend the University of Mobile kicks off the Christmas season with an incredible concert known as Christmas Spectacular.  For three nights, the school takes over the 3,000+ seat Dauphin Baptist Church with this incredible performance.  The free tickets are usually gone within the first week of their availability in late October.
    2012 will be the 10th anniversary of this concert and has drawn national attention.  Renowned Nashville director Steven Yakes will film Christmas Spectacular 2012 for a television special that will air later in the month on several national satellite stations and local stations according to the school's website. Many alumni are returning to perform.
     If you haven't figured it out yet I CAN'T GO.  I feel like crap.  I've attended the concert the last two years and was planning on going again this weekend.  Life of course has since intervened and I can't make the trip.  We only found this out today.  Poor hubby had to call Emily this afternoon and break the news.  To say it went over like a lead balloon would be an understatement.  Usually I would make the drive myself but after a week of migraines that's really not an option.
     I don't think there is anything worse in the parenting world than disappointing one of your kids. That feeling of failure cuts so deeply.  I'm all for kids learning life lessons and such but not at my expense.  Will she survive ~ of course.  Is this going to send her over the edge ~ not even remotely.    When you choose to attend school far away the one of the most difficult parts is the loneliness that comes from not having "anyone" near by.  Are there going to be friends and such there to cheer her on, most certainly.  But there isn't going to be anyone there JUST for her.  Oh how I wish I had a private plane on call.
You know once I find out the satellite stations that will be airing the special I'll be sharing it with you.  Well for now all I can do is assure myself that she knows she is loved and that we would be there if we could.  ~Wonder how much chocolate I'll need to survive this guilt??

Here's a favorite from the concert 2 years ago I found on YouTube

   

Mummy please tell Daddy I'm scared

Dear Parents of Terrified Child:
   What makes you think that just because something is educational means it is appropriate for all ages?  AND just because there is a cartoon version that your child loves doesn't mean they will embrace reality in the same way.
   We spent almost an hour with you this past July as my family and I toured the Mummies of the World Exhibit at MOSI in Tampa.  My family, which included our daughters aged 15 and 20, absolutely loved it.  Like you, we chose to upgrade our tickets to include this private exhibit at the bequest of our daughter and I am so glad we did.  In the short hour that it took us to walk through the hall it seemed that at every turn I was learning something new.  Before that morning I didn't know that mummies first appeared in South America before the Middle East, did you?   Who knew that the oldest mummy found to date was from Chile?  We absolutely loved the 3-D and interactive displays where we learned how today's forensic science is revealing long hidden secrets that mummies once  held.  How cool is it to know that they are able to diagnosis causes of death as well as create a nutritional study for a person's lifetime?   The best part for us, at least, was that in addition to videos, spinning globes, and wonderful docents there were over 50 REAL MUMMIES.   Not only were they real but they out for the world to see and not hidden away in a sarcophagus.  The had mummies of cats, rabbits men, women and children; some clothed some not.
     So dear parents what possessed you to bring your pre-school aged child to this exhibit??  The rules we were read before entering should have been enough of a warning:

• no cell phones allowed
• no photography
• no bathroom
• dim lighting
• and NO RE-ENTRY

     In addition to a docent informing you of these rules we watched a 5 minute video about the exhibit.  This video informed us that while this is an exhibition the ultimate goal is to respect these individuals on display and to remember that they once had families and friends. After that video was over we entered the exhibit through dark curtains and came face to face with the first mummy.  We watched as your sweet little girl ran up to the case and peered in.  "What's that Daddy?"  "That's a mummy," you replied.  "Is it Real?" "Yes that is a real mummy?"  "Is it Dead?" "Yes, it is dead."
     At that point your daughter climbed your leg into your arm then buried her head so deep into your neck an ostrich would have been proud.  I truly need to know, what possessed you to continue with the exhibit?  Did you think things were going to get better?  Maybe you thought they would be prettier as if you were viewing the riches of Tutankhamen's tomb?  I really need to know.
     Throughout the entire exhibit we could hear your daughter squealing with fear, crying and asking you to please take her home.  More than once we witnessed you telling her that she wanted to come here and see the mummies so you were staying.  I know that we were really impressed that they had an actual page from  The Book Of The Dead on display but somehow I don't think your daughter felt the same.
     While we were learning from the docent how Egyptians would paint their bodies different colors so they could find them in the afterlife we also got to hear your daughter crying to your wife "Mommy tell Daddy I'm scared".  ~On a personal note:  I absolutely love this idea of painting your body so much that I am going to include in my will/funeral directions bottles of the exact color of nail polish to be used.  In addition there will be a can of spray paint for my cousin Nancy and her husband Gordon who also totally love this idea and have permission to spray my feet. (OK maybe you had to be there but I laughed over this for about a week and again just now)
   

  

After this last outburst my family could no longer bear to hear it any more and actually hung back a bit in hopes we wouldn't encounter y'all anymore.  How you handled seeing the nude mummies or the last exhibit of an entire family I do not know.  What I do know is this:    YOU sir are the parent.  And as such you have theright to say no when a child asks to do something which is above their true understanding, know this is different for every child..  Also as the parent it is your responsibility to research an exhibit such as this if you are taking your young child.  Oh look the museum has a link for families which was easy to find and called: Information for families.  Finally your response of "I paid for these tickets we are going to see the entire show"  truly has no meaning whatsoever to your child. My advice for the future is to show your daughter pictures on the computer or in a book.  Possibly do a side by side comparison between the TV character and reality. See if videos (like the one above) are available and then give it a few days to see how or even if she truly understand what the exhibit is about.
     Somehow though I think your daughter got the last laugh as I am pretty confident she didn't sleep very well that night ~ bless her heart.

~Sincerely,
Lady Bren

I must admit my kids and I loved this show

    

Moms Beware you may not like what you read.....

 This post has been coming for quite a while.  I kept putting it off as I was just afraid the subject might offend some people.  Well it is to the point where I sincerely cannot take it ANYMORE!!!
     Admittedly I am the first to share and celebrate when one of my kids does something pretty amazing. As parents we are supposed to be our kids' biggest advocates right!?!  However when oh heavens when... did we start asking the world to celebrate right alongside us when our kids do everyday simple mundane things like, hmmm I don't know, play in their room like a normal child does.  When did we think that the entire world would want to read a blog devoted to the every detailed moment of your newborn?  (ok I can feel the hate level starting to bubble)
     Now there are admittedly incredible blogs out there about family life.  For instance dear friends of ours recently adopted a little girl from Ethiopia. Following them through that process and now watching how their three children are adapting to their new baby sister is intriguing.  It is also something that 99.9% of us are never going to expereince for ourselves.  Amy taking the time to write her blog This is Us gives us a peek into what that family life is like.  Considering that in today's world it is not as common as years gone by for families to remain in the same state never mind same time zone so I completely understand creating a blog about what's happening for distant relatives; it enables them to remain connected with your kids.  But why would you think you need to take your blog worldwide and try to get followers so you can circulate your childs' bathroom activities and playdates to the blogoshpere I just don't get it.
     I digress....
     I truly think that these "photo-crazed*everything my child does is glorious*isn't my child the best" Moms of today's preschool set are possibly creating the most self-centered generation ever.  Now this is not to be confused with the "Me Generation" which applies to those born from 1970~1999.  According to Jean M Twenge, author of Generation Me:  The  Me Generation has never known a world that put duty before self, and believes that the needs of the individual should come first. This is not the same thing as being selfish – it is captured, instead, in the phrases we so often hear: "Be yourself," "Believe in yourself," "You must love yourself before you can love someone else."  Oh no I sincerely believe these Moms may be creating mini ego-monsters.  Imagine what their lives will be as teenagers (run, run now).
     You may be old enough to remember a very popular poem from the 1970's titled Children Learn What They Live by Dr. Dorothy Nolte.  It encouraged parents to install values into their children.  A few lines from the poem include:
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

     Who could argue with these great statements.  What I believe is that the Moms I'm chatting about have taken each of these statements and fed them steroids.  There has to be some balance.  This is gonna be harsh so you may want to put down the coffee:  Unless your preschooler is a prodigy/true genius (rare) chances are even then they're not the first to do ANYTHING as it has ALL been done before. I'm sorry but it had to be said.  The first time you experience something with your child is special but let's put it in perspective.  Using four crayons instead of three.... not so special and does your facebook really need updating ~ with pics of course??  It is okay to simply and sincerely say "Oh that's nice sweetie" and leave it at that.  I promise your child will not be traumatized.

     What I am saying is if Moms (okay to be fair I am sure there are some Dads out there as guilty) do not teach their kids the life lessons that the world doesn't revolve around them and/or every little thing they do is simply not incredible how are they going to learn to be a part of anything? How will they not develop a superiority complex?  If each and every page of a coloring book Suzie's scribbled on is scanned onto facebook what is going to happen when the teacher doesn't choose one of her pictures for the art show or for even something as simple as the bulletin board?  If scoring a goal against the dog in the backyard is cheered with the same intensity as a World Cup Goal and deserves a blog update complete with pics what is Jimmy going to do the first time the goalie blocks his kick?  These poor kids are destined for some serious meltdowns in their future.
     ~~OK Brain Flash~~  I know what to call these Moms!!  The year 2000 brought us two major reality shows... Survivor and Big Brother.  For the first time every single moment of someone's life was documented by cameras 24/7 for fame and fortune.  That then brought us an onslaught of reality shows as well as the Jim Carrey movie Truman.  So in honor of that wonderful movie I think we should dub this type of parent as TruMoms and TruDads. ~~UMM re-reading this and not so sure so let me know if you come up with something better.
     When discussing this recently with a friend she reminded me ~ Don't forget Tommy is such a miracle to Dick and Jane.  OK sure that's true.  It was a miracle they got married and had a baby.  There were some minor complications along the way but nothing was what we used to call an "Oprah needs to know" miracle.  And let's face it isn't every love story and baby a miracle unto it's own??  If we really want to play that card Miss M is truly a medical miracle however being the third child we have less pictures of her than her older siblings~ so much for that theory.  As with any problem introduced I believe you should offer a solution so here's mine.  I have also simply chosen not to receive every single FaceBook update on a few of my friends currently suffering through this stage.
    So now that I've ranted I simply want to say that if your kids participate in a 15K like Julie's I definitely want to see pics.  If they colored Elmo red... keep it to yourself! (So do you hate me???)

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What I've learned parenting an athlete

    With the graduation of my second child quickly approaching I am realizing how different the life lessons we learn from each child is.  Now mind you my three kids are completely different.  My oldest daughter has always been completely focused on having a career in Opera.  My son is one of those people who can not only pick up any sport very easily but tends to excel at them all.  Then my youngest daughter, well the jury is still out on here but she's always been able to excel at what she wants whether it was sports or an art with minimal training.

     Parenting an athlete has brought its own set of realities.

• You learn very quickly that your schedule is not your own.  While granted this is pretty true with any activity your child is involved in with sports it is a bit different.  Practices run late.  If a game before yours runs overtime your schedule is now upside down.
• Unlike the arts most often you do not get to choose your child's coach/mentor.  When they first start out playing they are simply lumped on a team with every other eager child.  You are told when practices are.  
• Weather issues come into play and you have to adapt.  In one season you may go from relaxing in your foldable sports chair enjoying the breeze to be huddled under blankets or searching out the tiniest bit of    shade
• INJURIES.  From a simple tumble on the field or falling from the high bar they are simply going to happen.  Allowing someone else to be the "first on the scene" and in control of a situation involving your child.
• Expenses.  Simply put sports no matter what you are involved in gets more and more expensive.  Whether you need private coaching or are traveling to a tournament every other weekend.  Playing sports takes a toll on family finances.

     Patrick started out playing one season of T-Ball then absolutely fell in love with soccer.  For the better part of 8 years he ruled on the field.  Then side lined by an illness he had to walk away from the world he loved.  In the summer of 2010 he thought he might like to play tennis.  He had a friend teach him and they played one or two games over the summer.  Last year he made our school's tennis team.  This year he is ranked third in singles and first in doubles.  All at once our life fell into all of those athletic realities once again. For good and for bad it has generally been an enjoyable season.  Then it happened.  Patrick had a game Tuesday (which being a boy/senior/teenager) he forgot to tell us about.  We got the call to pick him up from school like usual and I went to get him.  As he walked to the car I knew something was wrong.  This wasn't a "lost both matches" wrong.  He was hurt.  

     With each sport there are certain injuries you "expect" or maybe simply you're just not surprised occur.  When he broke his foot in second grade playing soccer as much as it was rough you expects things like that.   Meg being sore and bruised while learning a full eagle on the uneven bars was not surprising.  Even Em calling with an exhausted voice after a long week of performances is not surprising.  Seeing my son's leg and ankle torn ripped up knocked me for a loop.

     Towards the end of a 2hour+ match he reached over his head and somehow twisted in such a way that he slid across the court tearing up his calf and ankle.  Even his tennis shoes didn't escape unscathed.  Being a "mind set" player he got up finished the set and won the match 10-8. 

     His leg looks as if he skidded off a motorcycle and got road burn, they call it court burn in tennis.  Twisted ankles, sprained wrists, these are the injuries I expect in Tennis.  Court Burn~ not so much.  Four days later the wounds are still nasty red and are painful.

          This was a new lesson for me.  In the past we have always been at our kids sporting events.  And if for some strange weird reason we weren’t had they gotten hurt, even in a minor sense, we would have gotten a phone call; If not from the coach from another parent.  Nope, didn’t happen.  But then again this is High School tennis.  There is no booster club uniting the parents.  There is one coach for V/JV Boys and Girls Tennis teams.  And simply realized, it wasn’t a big deal and they let Patrick handle the situation. 

          So with all the realities of parenting athletes what I have learned is this:

·         You hurt every time they don’t win

·         You hurt every time they don’t play as well as they wanted to

·         You hurt every time they get hurt

·         You smile every time they lost

·         You smile every time they play well

·         You smile every time they come home in one piece

·         You’re proud as they learn to lose graciously

·         You’re proud as they learn to win graciously

·         You learn an allegiance to a team of kids you never met before

·         You learn to let someone else become the “IT” person in your child’s life

·         You learn to not hate the phrase “Coach SAYS”

·         You learn that crockpot meals are a godsend

·         You learn the importance of carpooling

·         You learn that unfortunately not all teammates have supporting parents

·         You learn that you’re proud to be “Patrick’s Mom” and not Bren

Most importantly you learn that your child has the ability to take something that they simply thought would be fun to try and turned that into a passion.  You have been given the gift of seeing that your child regardless of how they handle anything else in life can be dedicated to the concept of a team, work well with others and understand hard work.

I have watched my son go from playing a sport because it was fun to developing a passion for success.  I’ve watched him grow from a little boy into a man and it happened while he was playing sports.

When did I move to Lake Wobegan?

    Garrison Keillor in 1985 created the fictional town of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota.  On his radio program  A Prairie Home Companion he will tell you that in his fictional hometown "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average".  Last time I checked I still lived in Florida.

      There is actually something called the Lake Wobegon effect (nope you can't make these things up) and I believe there are a lot more people struggling with this syndrome that are willing to admit or even aware of it. Doesn't it seem everyone today has kids that are just incredibly outstanding?  They're either skipping grades, the star player on the team, incredibly artistically talented or curing cancer. Or for the younger set they were potty trained at 6 weeks and speaking fluent French at 15 months.   Seriously just listen to a group of women chatting at Starbucks. 

      I have never been a big fan of the Christmas Newsletter.  Let's call it what it really is... "Look at how absolutely incredible our family is; don't you wish you were this good" press release.  Now I am not expecting anyone to announce that Johnny broke the school record for detention or Amber's been kicked out of Church choir for making out with half of the boys.  HOWEVER what happened to reality?    When did being average become so inferior???  “We had a wonderful year as a family” I guess is too boring for newsletters.

   I continue to make the same mistake: I run into a Mom I haven't seen in a while and ask how little so and so doing.  Last time we saw Timmy he in 4th grade, a bit of a handful not really a sports phenomenon.  Well NOW after 4 years and $1,000's spent on personal trainers he is going to be the next Pele!!!  Or little Irene who couldn't carry a tune if you put it in a bag, now studies privately with Ms. Star and is going to be the next Jackie Evancho, she's just a couple of years behind.  (Reality note: my daughter's on an Opera Scholarship and she wishes she was Jackie Evancho)  Here's the thing: If I only heard this once I might be impressed but when comments like this become the norm you just have to wonder.  And also why is it these parents rarely ask after my kids!
        Years ago our elementary school actually had to cancel award ceremonies.  You see the parents had turned it into a competition.  NO kidding.  In third grade Em had received the Most Improved award one quarter; I'll admit I was surprised as she was an A/B student.  The looks of pity that I received from several Moms; the "Oh we're so glad she's doing better" look.  When I asked the teacher how she earned the award she replied that Em had worked so hard on her handwriting she wanted to acknowledge it.  Hang on it gets better...
    Around Em's 5th grade it became "the thing" to present your child with a gift as they proceeded across the stage accepting their award.  Moms and Dads were flocking to the stage with balloons and flowers as they child received their A Honor Roll award.  This then became a competition amongst the parent.  By the end of the year the students were receiving stuffies,  huge bouquets and other non-sense.  Never mind that this cut into the time of the child who was walking behind them. More than once I couldn't get Em's picture b/c Danielle's Mom was giving her daughter a carnival sized bear.  That was the last year of award ceremonies.

     Another aspect of the Lake Wobegon syndrome is the "my child didn't do anything wrong" world view. Have you ever called a mom to discuss bad behavior only to have the conversation turn into how un-above average your child is?  One day Meg comes home in tears from her best friend's house down the street.  Elizabeth, who was much bigger than Meg, wouldn't let her use the bathroom and proceeded to keep her locked in the bedroom until the inevitable happened.  Of course I knew Elizabeth's Mom would not want her acting that way so I call.  Instead of "I'm sorry I'll talk to her, I'll have her apologize" Elizabeth's Mom went on to express her sympathy for Meg.  "Elizabeth you see knows how to wait and hold it as long as necessary.  When we go on road trips and she announces her restroom need we tell her when the next scheduled stop is and she's just fine."  She's so sorry Meg doesn't have that ability (Lake Wobegon effect)
     When did being average become so inferior? ??  Guess what the only way someone can truly be above average is to actually have a group that is average and with rare exception that’s where most of us fall.  I am here to tell you my kids rock.  They each have a gift unique onto to their own.  Am I proud of them... you betcha.  When you ask how they're doing you get it straight.  Why elaborate their achievement~ doesn’t that downplay what they've actually achieved.  By the way when my kids cure cancer you'll know it.
    

Are you not aware you are in public?

  I don't understand people's behavior at times.  Do they think that they are walking around in a special bubble and others can't see or hear them?  Last I checked the "Cone of Silence" from Get Smart has not been proven to work or is it being marketed.

     Sunday we spent the day at the Zoo.  First off convincing two teenagers, 17 and 14, that they want to get up early and spend the day at the Zoo with their parents deserves a moment of respect~~thank you.  OK, moving right along.  Our day was great with some fun moments and planking opportunities.  Zoos are of course great attractions for families with young children.  We absolutely loved tagging behind the little girl who was excited when she kept seeing pictures of an elephant; wish we were near when she actually saw the three at our zoo.  Then there was the first grader who was acting like a tour guide.  You also have to love how children can meet and in an instant devise a game that has the bird behind bars chasing them.  AND THEN.....

     Oh the things we overheard.

1.      I carried you for 9 months then another 18 because you were a late walker if you think I'm carrying you around this zoo you're crazy  ~Mom to a preschooler

2.      Put the cup up so the bird can eat stop being a baby ~ Dad to a preschooler inside the bird aviary

3.      If that snake bites you come and tell us cause it’s poisonous ~Mom educating child on North Eastern Diamond Rattlesnake

4.      If you fall in I am not coming after you ~Mom to child hanging over edge of the moat wall surrounding the Lemur habitat

5.      Why can’t you smile for the picture ~ Mom pleading to uncooperative child holding up line at photo op in front of Merry-Go-Round

Here is what I really really really wanted to say

1.      Bet you wish you had spent the $5 on the stroller rental now huh

2.      Sir actually he is still a baby and some fears are fine---as I head out of there cause those birds freak me out

3.      So if a non-poisonous snake bites him you don't care?

4.      Maybe if you taught your child NOT to lean on the edge you wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.  Never mind showing the love!!

5.      Mam you’ve just spent 5 minutes yelling at your kid to smile do you really think pleading with him is going to make it happen?  Get over the picture already!! BTW she did get him to smile (tiny giggle) then he closed his eyes real tight.

Those were some of the non-cone of silence highlights.  Parents whenever you take your young children anywhere do not have grand expectations of seeing the whole park.  Remember this is Florida and it is so warm after 12noon that even most of the animals are napping!! I do think it is outrageous what it costs to visit the Zoo.  As a family of 4 our tickets including the Sting Ray Bay were $56 and that doesn’t include paying to feed the Giraffes or the Lorikeets.  I understand wanting to get the most out of your day… just remember they’re kids.  Oh and that other people can hear you.

Finally two words about Zoo Rules….. FOLLOW THEM!!

Zoo rules... No Animals allowed.  Pretty simple, let's face it there's enough animals inside the zoo already they don't want or need yours adding to the mix.  This poor puppy isn't even in a dog carrier, it just looks so uncomfortable  :0(   You have to wonder what it was thinking.....Oh to live in cages like that!!  Better yet what do you think the other animals were thinking when they saw him..... Where's the rest of him or I thought living in this fake habitat was bad!!    By the way when we saw these people it was close to 2pm and easily close to 95 degrees.

So to end on an up beat... as that is what we should start the week on....some fun pictures from yesterday

Please control your child (of course mine is perfect)

  People watching is such a fun pastime.  Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason reality TV is such a hit, we just love when people "share" the real side of themselves.  My Dad would often walk the mall for the sole purpose of entertainment.

     School starts next week so of course I am cramming all sorts of appointments for the kids into this week.  We started with Meg having a long ortho- appointment followed by Patrick's wedding rehearsal all in the same area.  So to kill time in-between we went to my favorite little haven...Panera.  Both kids had their summer reading books with them; one almost done the other has such a long way to go so everyone could stay busy once done eating.  Panera at lunch time is quite the busy place which equals great stories to share LOL.

1.      I get it that a lot of people choose Panera not only because they have free Wi-Fi but they also provide electrical outlets.  Every table doesn't provide access to an outlet so as you can imagine people tend to scope those wanted seats out.  One of the primo spots is a little alcove.  It offers 4 outlets for 4 tables.  (One outlet per table is my thought)  The tables are small and I think pretty much designed for you, your food and your laptop.  So I had my plan, eat lunch, work on blog, leave Meg at Panera while I run Patrick around the corner to church, return to Panera work some more then pick-up Patrick and head home.  Looks good on paper right!  Only thing needed was a table by a precious outlet. Happy to find tables open in the alcove this morning the kids and I head over there.  Ready to set up my laptop I quickly discover that the woman sitting in the corner table is using 2 of them.  One for her laptop and one for her phone.   OK I don't need to use my laptop right away and there are people using the other plugs.  After an hour (during which she never moved or ate anything) I asked the woman if I could please use one of the outlets.  ~~You know where this is going don't you.  She actually sighed and checked her devices, thought about it for a moment and said "If you really need to use one I guess so" OH MY GUCCI Really!! First off what phone needs to charge more than an hour, and who knows how long she was there before me.  Secondly what makes your electrical needs more important than mine!!  So I didn't say any of this and very nicely asked which plug would she like me to disconnect.  Again she had to think!!  Don't you know that as soon as we left she hopped back up and plugged her phone back in!!  I've named her Narcise
2.      We all view our children through different eyes than we see others, it is a simple parenting fact (if it isn't then it is now).  I am my kids’ greatest advocate as well as their harshest critic.  I don't believe my kids are perfect ~ how boring that would be.  So keeping that in mind let me introduce you to the Carp family.  The three generations of females I met today have some serious world-view issues.  Grandma Carp was accidentally kicked by a toddler who was being carried.  The offending parent quickly apologized for the child's swinging legs. No quicker had the shamed woman left weaving in and out of chairs trying to find a table does Grandma very UNQUIETLY(yes I made that word up) say: maybe you should stop the child from swinging her legs into other people.  REALLY ~~ you're right. When that woman carried her child into Panera she was actually participating in a secret game where you get points for every person you can get your child to kick!!  However Grandma Carp's little girl is of course an angel.  Returning with drinks for the table her sweet granddaughter (maybe 3) quite boldly states I could have done that myself.  What does Momma Carp do?  Does she tell Little Carp to say thank you to Grandma?  No, she says "I'm sorry honey Grandma didn't know!" Then lunch arrives.  Since they have sat down both elder Carps have wiped the table clean.  After the server puts the three plates they then ask her to please come back and clean the table. While she is doing this the little girl proceeds to open her cup and pour her drink on the table.  Instead of jumping to help with the mess like most people would Grandma Carp proudly exclaims to the busy server "Look sweetie she's helping you!” UMMM!!  last time I checked Sprite wasn't a cleaning product.  This poor girl has to clean around the 3 females holding their plates and drinks and stop the flow of sprite.  At this point I offered some napkins to help.  During the rest of the meal the Carps kept commenting on other "misbehaved" children in Panera and how other families' kids weren't as smart, pretty or tall as their Carp.  This was in-between letting Little Carp to eat cookies and chips before her peanut butter sandwich which wasn't as good as we make at home.  And of course a planned trip to the soda fountain.
3. The final introduction I'd like to make today is to the  Dissimulo Family.  This isn't the first time I've met them.  In fact I've run into members of this extended family quite frequently. You too I am sure must have met them when you're out and about.  It is the family where everyone is texting or talking to someone on the phone while eating dinner together.  I don't get it.  What is the point of sitting down to a meal if you are not only going to ignore each other but spend that time conversing with Panera others?  I'll admit the three of us weren't constantly engaging each other while at Panera but we also weren't being ignored for someone who wasn't present. (maybe throwing around the highlighter wasn't my proudest parenting moment but I only brought one)  The rule in my house is NO phones at the table. That applies to everyone even guests.  We recently took one of the kids' friends to dinner with us.  Despite repeated requests Miss Dissimulo couldn't stop texting ~no more invites for her.  One of Meg's teachers had the best comment:  Do you really think we don't know you're texting when you keep looking at your lap and smiling?

I am sure that somewhere at some point in time my family and I have been the focus of people watching.  If we were ..... I hope we made you laugh :0)

Responsible Parent or Busybody

    I have three very different kids.   They approach so many things in life differently that sometimes it amazes me.  Em follows rules and doesn't understand why others don't.  Patrick is looking for every loop hole.  To be honest the jury is still out on Meg but who knows.  Though a friend has suggested we start a bail found for her now, it's always the quiet ones she says.
     With that being said it wasn't surprising that Em was very upset about what she found posted on a friend's facebook page.  She brought it to me for advice. As with most things there are different approaches to handling problems.  Here's the dilemma.  She's concerned about this girl as a friend and from a Christian stand point (Em is a youth leader at our church).  I am looking at it from both a parent perspective as well as legal....
    Her friend is turning 19, from here on out we will call her Carol.  Carol and her best friend have sent out invitations to her b'day party.  This party, whose location is a secret, will include beer pong, shots and a ring of fire. FYI: Ring of Fire is a drinking game played with a deck of cards.  Carol's two older sisters are on her FB often so I can't imagine them not being aware of this.  Add to the fact there are a number of pictures of Carol with bottles of beer and such on her FB page as well.
     I understand everyone has different policies about alcohol in their home.  Some people allow their kids to drink in their house once they turn 18.  Others allow a glass of wine on special occasions and holidays.  While some people do not want their kids drinking at all until they are 21.  The National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 made it illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to purchase or publicly possessing alcohol.  The law did not make it illegal for people under the age of 21 to drink alcohol. There are states that did extend the law to include private consumption as well.  Some states have specified under what conditions underage consumption is to be allowed.  Florida does not allow anyone under the age of 21 to drink, purchase or even possess alcohol. 

     I know Carol's parents just in the sense that I know who they are.  We've carpooled the girls a number of times but have never socially interacted.  I don't believe I've ever had a conversation with either Mom or Dad when it wasn't about a shared event.  So this is not a close friend we're discussing.

     Is it my responsibility to talk to the parents?  For all I know they're OK with what's going on, or possibly have a "kids will be kids" approach to parenting .  There are so many ramifications to this entire situation.  If I don't call them and something horrible happens could I ever forgive myself~doubtful.  What if I do call them and simply get the phone version of a smile and nod; I'd still be worried and even wonder if they would tell the girls to move the party.  Deep inside part of me feels the only truly responsible thing to do is find out the location and notify the police.  Do I also want to turn my daughter into a spy to get the complete information?

     I know I am lucky.  Many kids may see an invite like that laugh to themselves and move on.  I love, no rejoice that Em feels close enough to share her concerns with me.  I also know that I can't right now guarantee that my other two will behave in the same way when approached with something like this, I'd like to believe they will but there's not guarantees in parenting.
    Parenting is such an evolving event.  We have to know how to constantly morph to each child's needs and personality while still maintaining our standards.  I believe that every time we respond to a situation not only are we learning more about ourselves but our children are watching and taking notes for when it is their turn to be the parent.

     What would you do?

She Came Home Without One

     Our children grow up with our likes and dislikes.  They learn to embrace what we do and often fear what we fear.  But what if your fear is based on a personal experience and unfortunately effects thier lives?
     I grew up on Long Island.  The neighborhood had maybe 20 houses and no other streets feeding it.  Brook wasn't a tight community but everyone knew each other and this is where your main group of friends came from.  There actually weren't a lot of girls on my block so I did a lot of babysitting. 
     As with most neighborhoods there was that one Mom that stood out as the coolest.  Ours was Mrs. Clark.  She was the mom of three boys and I alwasy thought how sad it was she didn't have a girl because she was so crafty and just sweet.  It wasn't uncommon for the Clarks to take a group of the neighborhood boys with them wherever they went.  Their house, cars and hearts were always open.
     Then it happened.  In the summer before my senior year tragedy hit our small neighborhood.  Mrs. Clark took a bunch of boys to the beach.  A storm came out of no where.  Despite lifeguards and the boys being strong swimmers Mrs. Clark came home one boy short.  His body was never found.  I will never forget watching Mr and Mrs. Clark walk home after talking to the boy's parents.  I had never seen devastation on someone's face before.
     Being the family's babysitter I pretty much lived there for a while.  The parents and most of the neighborhood spent days at the beach searching for thier son.  I stayed behind to help with their younger two children and to update family members as they called. The Catholic Church has a special mass for children and I hope no parent ever has to have it said. 
     As you can imagine this tragedy had quite an effect on our small community.  It was years before Mrs. Clark was herself again.  I was surprised to learn while in college that the family had another child and named him for their lost son.  They never moved away.
    
      Fast forward some 20 years.  We live in Florida about 30 minutes from the beach. My kids know the rule.  They're not happy about it but they know it just the same.  They may not go to the beach unless I am with them.  Is this irrational?  Of course I don't think so.  While my kids know the story of why I have this rule being typical teenagers they believe they are indestructible and that could never happen to them. When the youth group at church goes to the beach I go along, they always need drivers anyway.
     This really wasn't so much of a problem when they were younger.  Most families I know usually don't take a group of kids in addition to their own to the beach.  But now their friends are driving and they want to go to the beach for the day.  Em's in college how can I really tell her not to go to the beach with her friends!
      We went to lunch Friday to celebrate Sail Academy Graduation and one of the moms asked if I spent the week worrying about Patrick and the water.  Surprisingly I didn't.  In fact it didn't even occur to me to be worried as they were on the River not in the ocean. 

     So I have this fear based on an intense experience~ when do I just let go?
    
    
  

You need a license to buy a dog.....

   "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."  This is one of my favorite lines from the 1989 movie Parenthood said by Kenau Reeves.      
     Sometimes you just have to wonder.  We have all heard/read the heartbreaking stories about a child who died after being left alone in a car.  Tragically 49 children died that way in 2010.  Recently 2 little girls, ages 3 and 4, were found alone in a tent after their parents left to get treatment at a methodone clinic and to sell their blood.  They told authorities that they left the dog with their girls so they would be safe.
    I was riding in the car with Emily and we came in on the end of this story:  A woman is suing a store after selling her child, aged 8, a sex toy.  The woman had dropped her child off at the mall for a couple of hours ALONE!!!  Of course she has NO responsibility in this matter now does she.  
    I just don't get it.  I understand that my view of parenting is well simply put STRICT. I monitor what my kids watch on TV, their internet use, music on the radio use even their friends. In case you didn't know,  my kids are teenagers.  When they were younger they never watched a new cartoon unless I was with them.  They grew up without Rem and Stimpy, The Simpsons and Family Guy.  They were never allowed to simply hang-out at the mall while in Elementary School or Junior High School.  Our mall in Orange Park has a rule regarding how large groups of children/teens can be.  Until they are in High School they may not go to the movies with a group of friends.  I believe that children should be supervised.
    I understand that the world tends to be much more liberal than I am when it comes to raising kids.  Regardless of whether you think Brittany Spears is a good role model for your daughter when did it become acceptable that we hold others responsible for the monitoring of our children?  Suing a store because your child bought an adult toy just blows my mind.   When I grew up the  Bay Shore Mall had a Spencers, many malls have one of these stores.  They always have the coolest shirts and current craze in their windows.  The stores are a dark and smell of incense~what unsupervised child doesn't want to go in there!  In the back of the store is a section of items intended for adults.  I remember my friends and I laughing as we opened each of the gag boxes, honestly not understanding half of what we were looking at.  Guess what ladies and gentlemen.... we in high school NOT 8. Now most malls I have been to have never had an adult store in it so I am going to guess that the child in the above story wandered into a Spencers and bought their toy.  Should the store clerk have sold it to the kid... probably not.  Do they deserve to be sued over it???
    Maybe it all goes back to the saying"It takes a village to raise a child".  I believe in that and am grateful for the help.  However the villagers are usually happy participants, not some teen at the mall making minimum wage.  A mother in California filed suit against Chuck E Cheese claiming the games are actually gambling devices her kids could potentially become addicted to.  HMMM easy solution ... don't take your kids to Chuck E Cheese.  (She has since dropped her damages suit)  Another Mom is suing Tyra Banks because her daughter appeared on her show in an episode featuring teen sex addicts without her permission.  Thought.....why didn't you know where your daughter was and I think you have bigger issues than her appearance on Tyra.
    What leads a mom to drop her 8 yr old child at the mall hand them some money and say I'll be back in a few hours?  How many times has a Mom dropped her kids off at Chuck E Cheese that they've developed gambling issues? How often is a daughter allowed to stay out with friends that she becomes a sex addict?  And where is the Dad is all these filings???  The only suits I found were filed by Dads in regards to outrageous bills.  I was unable to find a suit filed by a dad over what I simply believe to be "I messed up and now want you to give me some money" lawsuits; though I'm sure they are out there.
            Kuddos to this Dad in Texas. The Houston Chronicle reports that after Harris County father Jason Medley saw an online video that included three middle school students making fun of his daughter, he sent cease-and-desist letters to each of the girls' families, promising he would file suit if they failed to leave his daughter alone. He also requested a $5,000 donation from each family to support the Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use.
  I'm imagining, maybe hoping, that the mom who dropped the kid off at the mall was between a rock and a hard place and believed she had no other options.  No, sorry, I can't make that work.

The next generation of Panhandlers...

     This is truly a gripe blog.  I really need someone to explain this new thinking to me.  Now years ago when we all lived in small tight communities.  When we all knew pretty much everyone.  When you were either from Xville or Xburg and were dang proud of it.  Back then under those circumstances  I understand everyone rallying around the town _____ (fill in the blank with a sport of your choosing) team and raising money to send them to state.  Jars would pop up on the counters around town for residents to drop their spare change in.  There was a sense of pride in helping send "our" team to state.
     However today it is a totally different story.  The kids who make up those teams that represent Xville or Xburg may not even live in that town.  There are a plethora of different tournaments and championships to choose from and it seems as if every single season there is a team from your town heading to a championship somewhere.
    When I grew up The Jerry Lewis Telethon was the mark that summer was over and school started any day.  The 7-11's had jugs out collecting change for Jerry's kids.  It was Labor Day Weekend so you knew you'd see Fire Fighters out with their boots collecting money at the intersections for Jerry's Kids.    In fact I remember one year watching to see the Long Island Press Carriers check being presented and being so proud I was a part of that.  Collecting money for the benefit of other children ..... it seemed so noble.
    I can't remember when it started maybe it was with the Children's Miracle Network we started seeing stores collect money for different charities and they'd decorate their walls with paper balloons, shamrocks or feet.  Even then customers gladly would add $1 $5 or $10 to their order to support these great causes.  Remember the first time you asked a cashier what their button YCJCYADFJK meant and smiling when you added a dollar to your order.?
   So WHEN did it become OK to pounce on these noble traditions and turn our children into panhandlers????  I seriously do no think I have been to a certain BOX STORE without someone asking me for money.  Sometimes it is for the Veterans ~ I'm OK with that, but I have to admit it can be a little sketchy.  Sometimes it is kids selling candy for school ~ I'm kinda okay with that.  And who doesn't get tired of being asked to buy Girl Scout Cookies or Boy Scout Popcorn during those seasons?
    What absolutely gets my goat is that people think it is OK to basically BEG strangers for money so that they can go on a trip.  Call it the State Championship, the Regional Playoff, heck even call it Pee Wee Olympics I don't care,  When I see you dressing your kids up in their uniforms holding buckets and asking strangers for money it is simply begging.  And then when they set up at major intersections and have patrols on all 4 sides basically team tagging cars as they're stuck at a light~~~ are you kidding me.  One time last summer there was a sports team and they had the parents working the corners proudly wearing shirts so we knew who their child was, while other parents and the kids were sitting in chairs watching TVs and grilling, I kid you not~~Truly only in America.
     Oh I  completely understand the cost of travel I do.  However asking someone to fund a trip so your family can go away for a weekend is crazy.  Why not be honest with the kids from the beginning of the year, we have this much money and if we want to go to Superville this is what we have to do to EARN the balance.  Look, we've been involved in sports and music programs that have required travel.  You never ever saw any of us begging outside a store for money.  We've had spaghetti dinners, bake sales, yard sales to raise money, one summer we had a "rent a kid" program.  You see that's another problem with this panhandling... We are teaching our kids that they can get something for nothing.  I can't tell you how many car washes I drive up to and give whatever change I have in my purse and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I especially do that when the kids have picked a really bad weather weekend.  How many of us give the kids with the candy bars the money and not take the candy?  I know I've bought cakes at bake sales for more than what I'd pay at Publix.  Why do we do this?  I believe it is because we see an effort.  We know the kids and their families are working together towards a goal.  We don't see hands out. We don't see kids wanting something for nothing. 
    I do think it tanks that any type of program that travels rules out the less financially blessed and I think there should be a way to correct that but I don't have the answer, sorry.
     In true disclosure I will address the letter we all get supporting some one's mission trip.  My daughter has sent them and has been blessed by them.  She also has written a thank-you note to everyone who supported her.  Not one letter was sent to a stranger (duh).  Nor did she stand on a corner asking people to put money in a bucket so she could go serve.  I also think the difference here is the purpose of the event.  A mission trip implies a sense of service of sacrifice.  As opposed to the opportunity to add another trophy to our collection.
   Hats off to a church whose name I don't remember.  They took over a major intersection last summer, one that we usually see some sports team begging for money at.  When they approached our car we were reluctant to roll the window down.  Then we realized they were handing out FREE bottles of water.  Do you know they wouldn't take any money when we offered it.  They said they simply wanted to bless the people of the area.
  That's what supporting your town should be about