July 14, 2011
Well Thank you Duchess Catherine :0(
It’s all over the news! Duchess Catherine single handedly has sent women back into bondage. Okay maybe its not completely her fault due to the media reporting on every little movement and fashion decision she makes. However due to her current fashion choice women everywhere are going to retreat back to the days of nylon bondage. How could she do this to us??
Duchess Catherine wears……. PANTYHOSE!! STOCKINGS!!! Of course hers doesn’t come out of a plastic egg (if you don’t know what that means then you can’t complain). The pantyhose she’s wearing has been described as looking like it was made with fairy dust due to its shimmer.
Fairy Dust?? It is going to take a lot more than fairy dust to convince me that women actually want to return to nylon bondage. Come on you know it is true. Tell me you know someone who sincerely misses wearing pantyhose? Someone who misses the way you pray your nails won’t snag them as you put them on? Someone who loved doing the pantyhose shimmy pulling them on? How many of us didn’t keep an extra pair in our office in case the ones we were wearing ripped. I believe one of Newton’s laws states: The more expensive pantyhose are the easier they rip.
I remember learning that during the war having a pair of stockings was considered lavish. The stockings used to have seams up the back, so women without would actually draw lines on the back of their legs to make it look like they were wearing stockings. I can assure you that even if I did have a pair of stockings my lines would never have stayed straight without the help of glue!! Never mind the girdle with the snaps…so not happening. Guess I would have been a bad girl by fashion standards.. big surprise.
Washable… sure they are. Even when you properly hand washed your stockings they never really held their shape for long. They come out of their egg all pretty and looking like legs that Barbie would die for. After being worn and washed a few times they started looking like something Sasquatch would wear.
Now the one teeny tiny little concession I will give Kate is that she is teeny tiny. Unlike the majority of the rest of us, I’m confident her inner thighs have never met. Walk around on a humid day wearing a pair of stockings and tell me your thighs weren’t willing to share state secrets. I remember when I started wearing split slips with stockings my thighs sent me thank you notes.
The only people I imagine jumping for joy over Kate’s fashion decision is the stocking industry(that’s right I’m calling her Kate, no true royalty would inflect such harm to us). They know that we’re all going to want to have shimmery legs like Kate. They also know that not only are their products disposable but once we start buying them we’re going to buy them in multiple colors and varying styles. Ka-Ching!!
I can’t believe I am saying this but I think the only way we are going to win this battle we’ve been dragged into is our current obsession with flip-flops and sandals. You try wearing stockings and get your toes into a flip flop! And even with the styles that have seamless toes stockings and sandals rarely look good.
Maybe, just maybe, Kate is doing this to suck up to HRH Grandma-ma. If you are invited to dine with the Queen stockings are required of the women. I’ll admit that if I, Lady Bren, were ever granted a royal dinner invitation I would enslave my legs into stockings though I wonder do they make them with pull-up handles as I’m not sure I can do the stocking shimmy anymore.