October 17, 2013

Trying to Come Back

What a weird title for a blog post right? I do believe it correctly and fully describes where I am right now, not only with my blog but aspects of my life as well.
Without soundling too overly dramatic it feels as it my life took a weird skip just over two weeks ago.  I knew I was on a downward spiral but thought I was taking the proper steps to mitigate how far I'd fall ~ oh so wrong. As with most things in life the timing of this skip absolutely sucked.  
I muddled through Friday doing the best I could but wound up completely bed-bound Saturday.  I hate when I'm disconnected especially on the weekends when Hubby is home, he justly feels deserted, which of course makes me feel all the worse, don't you just love those little circles we dance around.  The option of resting through Sunday didn't exist as we were having company for dinner.  We were finally getting together with what has become my son's second family.  He wanted a spread to show off his mom's cooking which meant homemade everything (like I'd do anything else) but of course he didn't choose an easy menu.  Fried chicken and all the fixins~ sure I was up for that.
Sunday was fun but so overly taxing which meant Monday in bed again.  I was so out of it Meg had to drive Hubby home from the dentist, he had a molar extracted ~ yuck.
Remember how I said the timing on this spiral sucked? Tuesday was my birthday.  Not just any birthday but my 50th.  It was so bad that it deserves a post of its own.  By Thursday I was in such a funk I cancelled going out for dinner.  
Physically I have been struggling with digestive issues and after trying different options it became evident that drastic measures were needed. That next Monday I followed my pharmacist's advice and did a colon cleanse, more specifically the Ducalax/Miralax Prep that is prescribed for people the day before a colonoscopy.  Thank heavens there's a bathroom in my bedroom so I didn't have to deal with anyone.  While I did feel better the next day it is not something I look forward to having repeat any time soon.
I was holding onto our mini-vacation plans like a dog with a new bone.  I knew I needed a break from the stresses at home.  I knew Hubby and I really needed time away.  And I knew I was going to play the "It's My 50th Birthday Card" all weekend long.  Originally our plans included returning to Victoria and Albert's but with the summer's furlough and the government shut-down spending that kind of money wasn't going to happen. We will be returning in April to celebrate our 25th come hell or high water!!
What was intended as a nice way to kick off our weekend turned into an incredible wild time.  I made reservations as BB King's Blues Club knowing Hubby loves the Blues and the restaurant had great reviews. Before the night ended I was serenaded to, danced on-stage and did shots with a group of people I'll never meet again.  Thank heavens Hubby doesn't know how to take pictures or videos on his cell phone so there's very little evidence ~ mwaahahahaha.
Friday we were Epcot bound for the Food and Wine Festival.  We had lunch reservations at England's Crown and Rose Pub.  Our waitress was just glorious. I left with a crown signed by the kitchen staff which I wore EVERYWHERE.  Life was good until a phone call from home brought it down like a house of cards.
This was the first time we were going away and pretty much leaving the kids on their own.  Plans were made which they chose to ignore which led to umpteen issues.  The phone calls were rough and long.  Disney was no longer the happiest place on earth.  I felt as if someone wrapped me in a heavy wool blanket while giving me shots of caffeine.  My heart was racing, my head was exploding and my body just started shutting down. I'll admit to being a bit scared when I realized my right foot was dragging a bit.  It was all I could do to get from the monorail to our car. Convinced I had to eat something before we went back to the hotel Hubby stopped at Cracker Barrel. I tried eating soup to make him happy but it was an incredible effort. Though I went to bed as soon as we got back tot the hotel I slept well past noon the next day.
Saturday was just a day.  We went to lunch, came back to the room and chilled. Determined to try and revive our weekend we returned to Epcot Sunday.  We "Tasted Our Way Around the World" but it was hard.  We laughed and had fun but that blanket was still there.
Since arriving home Monday afternoon I've only left the house to drive Meg to school in the morning.  I have slept more than anything else.  Much of that is due to the fact that since Friday my vision has been blurred.  Sometimes I can barely see in front of me, others the TV is slightly out of focus and every now and then I'm OK. 
 I know what this is, I hate it but there's very little I can do about it.  This is how my body processes extreme stress. Stress was considered to be the main contributor of my stroke.  My entire body simply hurts.  The headache I have is similar to a migraine but very focused.  My digestion is completely off.  The pressure on my chest is similar to what it felt like when I had a blood clot in my lung.  My normal releases aren't working.  Yesterday I spent an hour or so in the garden just to be outside, which completely wiped me out.  Blogging is difficult (I've been writing this since Tuesday) as I can't always see the screen and other times I'm struggling to connect thoughts coherently.
So I'm struggling to come back. I think the more I try to act as if all is normal maybe my body will catch up.  My "vacation" from tracking my food for Weight Watchers is officially over as tonight is weigh-in.  The stresses that brought this all to a head aren't resolved and won't be for a while.  They've been building and while I thought we were handling them "well enough" obviously my body is proof positive we weren't. I refuse to bottom out. I've come back from way worse so I know I can do it. I just need to figure out how to get my body to go along with my plans.
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