IS this a side effect?

     Today's blog isn't humorous or cute.  It is just me trying to figure some things out.  I know that I know that I know I am beyond lucky in terms of this stroke.  The simple fact that I had my stroke just over 2 months ago and I am home, driving and fairly independent is nothing short of miraculous.  I know I get frustrated with myself when my energy runs out and I can't do ALL that I want.  I am truly working on that.  I have gotten good at looking over a week seeing what's up and planning activities on a more spread out philosophy instead of how much can I get done in one day American mentality.
    You can't watch a TV show today without seeing at least one commercial for a medicine.  When you listen to them list the side effects half the time you think who would be crazy enough to even think of taking that med!! I did learn a little bit about that.  If 1, truly it only takes 1, person in a drug company's drug trial study experiences a symptom it has to be listed as a possible side-effect.  I always wondered when you hear the announcer say this drug may cause insomnia and then 3 items later also state it may cause drowsiness.  Well if one person had a restless night and the other person was exhausted both these statements make the "possible side-effects" list.  This was explained to me by one of my nurses who used to work for a pharmaceutical company.  A little crazy don't you think but let's face it in the litigious society we Americans live in can you blame them for CYA?
     What about after we recover from medical procedures?  I had a very successful Anterior Cervical Fusion with Plating (say that 10 times fast) in September 2008.  All of the pain in my neck and the tingling/weakness in my arm disappeared.  As with any surgical procedure there are side-effects.  Blood clots are one of them and 3 weeks later it was discovered that I had one in my lung; medically referred to as a PE (Pulmonary Embolism).  This near wrecked my life.  First off either they find the PE because the patient was smart enough to recognize something wasn't just right and went to the ER, or they are found post-mortem.  It is that simple.  That was how honestly the doctor told us when he delivered the news.  Unfortunately not only did I have this side-effect but I am also one of those who do not respond well to the meds used to treat blood clots and went through 9 months of hell~ including 3 more hospital stays and 1 incredibly close brush with death.
     Those type of side effects are expected.  They are unfortunate but they are expected and clearly laid out to you before any procedure begins.
     When we suffer losses there are immense side-effects.  Whether it is the loss of a loved one, and even a pet.  Sometimes it is simply the loss that occurs when we leave something old to start something new.  Changing jobs even when for the better has it's losses and consequences.  I do think that thanks to the Internet and social networks that we don't feel quite the sting as 25 years ago when we move away.  While we do lose the ability to be a part of a shared experience we are able to at least stay connected. 
     What I am struggling to understand is the side-effect of fear.  I consider myself a fairly strong and intelligent person.  I can understand the reality of what has happened and how it has changed not only my life but that of those around me as well.  I am making changes to create a healthier lifestyle for me and my family in different areas.  But fear having this strong hold I just don't understand.  The Effects of Fear lists 10 distinct attributes it can have on your life.  I think those statements are true but not sure how to apply them in this situation.
     The reality: Wednesday night while I was sitting at Panera's I felt my entire body just change.  We've all had that feeling when we know we have the flu before we're truly symptomatic. But the thing is I don't know what the change was or what it meant.  The only thing I can truly describe is that I felt my heart racing. When I got up my balance was a little off.  No caffeine or different drugs to point to.  I knew better than to completely ignore it.  I didn't have vision issues.  To be on the safe side I had someone follow me home. 
     Have you seen fear spread?  It is not a comfortable thing to watch.  This was even more uncomfortable as I knew I was the cause.  First I saw it on Meg as she got in the car then on Paige who followed us home.  When I walked in the door it had arrived ahead of us and was already visible on Michael and Patrick.  Fear feeds on Fear.  It easily can multiply and become overwhelming.  How do you stop this?  How can rational concern quickly become measurable fear? 
     While feeling horrible last night the weight of fear was just making it worse.  That's a horrible cycle to let grow any momentum.  I guess fear is an appropriate feeling for anyone recovering from a situation they had no control over. Was what I feeling a warning of another stroke? Just being worried about another stroke could almost cause one!  I felt horrible to begin with and was unable to sleep.  Letting my mind wander is never a good thing.  I can't fall asleep to music.  I know falling asleep to TV prevents a true restful sleep.  I've learned if I can't fall asleep I have to distract my mind and last night was no different.  I play online games, fb and well blog.  This did help to keep my fears at bay. 
     This morning I awoke and felt some better.  I didn't sleep as well as I wanted so that added to my fatigue.  Tomorrow I am headed to Mobile so I've agreed to spend today on bed-rest to help deflate my husband's fears.

     Stress  Fear

     One in the same or identical twins?

     Either way they both need to be acknowledged and met head on.

         

My Royal Dilemma......

     Fair warning if someone posts a comment about recording or replays prepare to be whomped!!!

     What little girl hasn't grown up wanting to be a princess?  Why do you think Disney has repackaged their princesses into an entire line of their own.  Little girls (and let's be honest their moms too) love the idea of being royalty.  Wearing a crown and all the other jewels as well..... think of the princess diaries when Julie Andrews shows Anne Hathaway the room of gems what female's heart didn't leap just the teeny tiniest bit?  What about the clothes?  The pomp and stance?  The bowing and curtsying when you come and go?  Only being shown the beautiful side of life unless you choose otherwise?  If there's a woman out there who has said she never ever ever wanted to be a royal well feel free to not read any further.
     Now for the rest of you.....  How often do we get to see someone walk into a building as well a nobody and walk out a Princess??  NEVER it just doesn't happen.  Well that statement will no longer be true after Friday at 11am BST.  Minute to Minute Schedule tells us everything from when what guests arrive to the infamous kiss on the balcony. 
     Do you remember where you were Wednesday, July 29th 1981?  I most certainly do.  Back then we didn't have 9 million different channels or youtube or 24hour news replays.  We had to watch the wedding of Charles and Diana when they aired it.  The TV stations played it during the middle of the day pre-empting most soap operas.  I worked at Herber Plumbing and Heating that summer.  JoAnn Herber made sure her office staff ~ 3 of us including her~ celebrated this momentous occasion properly.  Champagne cocktails and a wonderful lunch.  I remember how much fun we had ohhing and ahhing when we finally got to see her dress.  The train oh that gorgeous train.  I'll admit getting a massively long train was a must for my own wedding dress...though it was no where near 25 feet.
     So when I learned of William and Kate's wedding I started planning.  Meg and I were going to get up early wear big beautiful hats and eat finger sandwiches.  It was all planned and even Food Network Magazine must have anticipated my plans as their April issue has a pull-out section with recipes for 50 Finger Sandwiches. 
    So what is my Dilemma?  I have a saying.... if it isn't in my planner it doesn't exist.  I didn't think to write the Royal Wedding in my planner.  I have all of the kids' activities in there, all my doctor/therapy appts in there.  I don't know where my cognitive skills were or how I didn't make the connection but....
This Friday, the day I was getting up to watch all the festivities start at 3am, is the same day I am driving to Mobile for Emily's Opera!  Mobile is a 6-7 hour drive.  My dear friend Jane is coming with me.  There is NO WAY in God's green earth that I can be up at 3am then drive/ride to Mobile and be completely awake for an Opera at 8pm!!!!
    The thing is I didn't even make this connection until last weekend.  I truly was despondent though my family was totally entertained.  We were driving home when I realized this and was just dumbstruck for a couple of minutes.  I actually called my daughter to see if there was a Saturday performance.  My message included things like.... does your school realize they did this?  don't they realize the importance of this day... Great mom moment huh.  She called back laughing but made it very very clear that her Opera wasn't an option.  Then I thought well I'll just drive down a day early and be in a hotel all day Friday so I could watch the wedding...I don't see why staying an extra night in a hotel should be a big deal.
    Of course missing Em's Opera was never an option but i had to vent in true Lady Bren fashion.  I have since shared my now diffused dilemma and cannot believe the lack of support I've received.  Did people really think I didn't know how to work my DVR??? DUH I know they are going to replay it for days.  They just didn't get it ... and they too seem as entertained as my daughter.
     Em was telling me how nobody at school even cared.  Well nuts to her because today campus life posted a Royal Wedding Event @ 3am so there.
    I just wanted to see the dress the first moment it was revealed.  See Kate walking down the aisle.  See the newly married couple walk out together.  And of course the kiss on the balcony.
I have resolved to seeing the end of the wedding and the kiss LIVE.  I will be heading to bed Thursday night by 9pm and have planned a nap Friday afternoon.

I am sure you too have been entertained by my dilemma.... Oh if my world was only real.....Remember I'm Royal so I would have been invited :0)

My crown..... proof of my Royalty

Welcome to my micro farm :0) OR Death of a colony !!

     Gardening is one of those things I get from my Dad.  Growing up on Long Island the weather and the soil were perfect for a summer garden.  Way before it was in my Dad used Square Foot Gardening at our house.  We composted in the 70's... who knew my Dad was hip!!  I think our garden was overall probably 12x12 then divided into sections within.  I loved spending time tending the garden (at least that is how I'm choosing to remember those days).  One of our favorite summer dinners was simply BLT's. Using Levi's Rye Bread we only had to pick ONE tomato from the garden to make 6 sandwiches as each slice of tomato covered a slice of bread!

     Move ahead 30 years (yes I was a toddler when I worked in the garden) and our garden attempt of 2011.  We have used square foot gardening since our home in Va Beach. Here in FL it makes even more sense.  The dirt is so horrible and we live in appropriately name Clay county so add that to the mix and raised beds are truly the best option.  We have been composting for 2 years now and love that.  We do our best to be as organic as possible and even have 2 rain barrels.
     With the slight interruption of my life we just didn't get our spring garden in when we should have.  For the first time in years I bought our starter plants.  I have a small green house where we usually seed start our plants.  The weather here is also out of kilter.  We've been consistently in the 90's for 2+ weeks now.  ~So as you can see I have properly presented reasons as to why it isn't MY fault  we're behind, Thank you.

     In 2008 a friend of ours brought a huge basket of lemons to church to give away.  These beautiful lemons came off 1 tree in her yard. Since then I have been hooked on the idea of growing fruit.  Christmas of 2009 brought 2 different orange trees and this past Christmas a lemon.  None of these went in the ground as a tree first had to come down (see blog: Margins, Tumbleweeds and Chainsaws).  Recently I read an article on peach growing in my area.  I called around and no one had any.  Upon visiting a local nursery I discovered apple trees for  NE Florida.  Unlike citrus trees most fruit trees require 2 trees for production.  We now have a McIntosh and a Golden Delicious.  But it doesn't end there..... I also discovered a variety of Kiwi so of course 2 of those are in the ground as well.  **Side note private garden centers are soo willing to give you deals on plants as all of the above was less that $50**  We were in the process of planting our trees and needed to run to Home Depot.  What did we find there with fruit already hanging????? A peach tree!!! Yes you normally need 2 trees but this one was already bearing fruit so we bought it!!!!  It was the last one so having 2 wasn't even an option.

Just in case you've lost track:

1. 1 Lemon Tree
2. 2 Orange Trees
3. 2 Apple Trees
4. 1 Peach Tree
5. 2 Kiwi Vines
6. 6 Blueberry Bushes (forgot to tell you about these)

Did I mention we don't have even 1/4 of an acre?

Onto our garden.  We have 4 4x4 boxes.  Each one will be filled with various yummies before long.  Our first box is in and most herbs with eggplant and 1 bell pepper.  I was working in box 2 weeding and sifting the dirt.  I noticed that my hands and arms were itchy and I wondered what new weed was causing this.  Then I saw it.  Mid-way up my arm the nasty little scourge of playgrounds in the south.... a fire ant.  For those unaware of these little critters:

Unlike many other ants, fire ants do not really bite, they sting. But then, neither do mosquitoes and we call those bites, too. The fire ant will bite with its pincher's, but that is only to get a tight grip on you. Then they sting you from their abdomen and inject a toxic venom. One welt can be the result of ten stings! They hold on with their pincher's and turn a circle, stinging you all around it. This can result in a pea sized welt or even larger depending upon your sensitivity to their venom. They can then move to a different area and continue stinging you. About 40% of people in infested areas, or more than 20 million, are bitten each year by fire ants. The worse thing to do of course is scratch.  You're supposed to massage the area in an attempt to get the venom out.  Usually though you've been bitten in numerous areas by the time you realize what is happening and who has time to massage? And if you haven't guessed by the name these pea size welts...feel as if they're on fire

last night this was covered in grits

     Now while I have acclimated to living in the south there are a few things this Yankee cannot adopt and grits are one of them!!  However after attending an Ag Extension class I learned a new use for these nasty little grains..... FIRE ANT KILLERS!!!  Remember we try to keep our garden as organic as possible so NO pesticide is coming anywhere near my farm.
UGGHHHHH Total depression.  I thought it would be cool to find a link showing how grits cause ants to well..explode.  We've used grits in the past quite successfully to rid ourselves of these tiny dragons.  Well in doing my properly required blogging research I have learned <big sigh> that grits do NOT in fact kill the ants.  They simply just move :0(  BUT I did find a new PROVEN remedy... garlic juice!! 

Well maybe I didn't kill that colony as I hoped when I dumped half a bag of grits on it. But they better be gone for the garlic is coming.   Hey if they don't like garlic does that make them part Vampire??? Think about it makes sense!

our baby peaches one is hiding



going to be a great blueberry season




our 2 kiwi vines







 






  

































The Easter that wasn't?

     Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  Spring is my favorite season.  Hyacinths and Tulips are my favorite flower.  MaryEllen's blood was miraculously cured onEaster (Doctor's words!!) So together the whole thing just works for me. 2011 just didn't happen.
     This is the weird thing though.  In the last 2 days not one or two but a number of people have mentioned that this Easter just wasn't what it normally is.  At first I thought it was a Florida thing as the temp here was in the 90's!! But that wasn't the case.  A friend on LI had a real laid back Easter and her son commented how they didn't color eggs.  Another friend across the country noted how they didn't even buy Jelly Beans!!
     HMMM why the lack of EASTERNESS this year???  Well in my world... which of course this blog is all about.... I really think the late timing of Easter had a lot to do with it.  Did you know that the latest Easter can be is April 25 and that won't happen until 2035. The earliest it can be is March 22 and that will never occur in our lifetime.  A couple years back Easter was March 23 in 2008 and that will be the earliest all reading this blog and their grandchildren will ever see. So essentially this year was the second latest it could be and it tanked!!
     So to back up my theory here are other things to ponder.
The timing:
This is how our annual schedule usually happens:
Winter yuck brightened by Valentines.  Then eat up those chocolates because Lent is shortly behind.  Get Happy in March for St Patrick's day and before you know it Easter is here.  There's a bit of a break with weekends free then Mother's Day.
OH NO not this year.  Lent didn't even start until March 9th.  Valentine's candy and even those we bought on clearance were long gone.  Now see right there~ issues in my life.  I usually buy that clearance candy and save it for Easter... soo didn't happen this year as there was plenty of time to enjoy it before Lent.  Now I can't say that happened in my house as, well I wasn't around for the post Valentine's Clearance~~ Hey another thing to blame on the stroke~It's great to be in my world and Royal.
The weather:
  Easter, even here is Florida, is usually enjoyed with pleasant Spring weather.  Nice breezes, blue skies. Today my car thermometer showed the outside temperature to be 97.  Now I want you all to be impressed as well as feel as sense of my commitment to you: I just spent the last 15 minutes googling and yahooing and well searching everywhere possible to find out what the highest temperature recorded was this Sunday here in Jacksonville... you could find out more about the life expectency of a fire ant (that's another blog) than past weather. But with today's temp in the high 90's it is safe to assume Sunday wasn't that much lower.  Hide Easter Eggs in this weather.... better be sure they're boiled or the kids will crack open eggs to find them scrambled.  Or better yet the candy filled eggs?  Can't you just see some cute preschooler in her pretty white easter dress opening up an egg that once held a chocolate treat only to have it drip all over!! Who needs a microwave for peep fun just leave them out in the sun.... ooo have you tried chocolate covered peeps~ so did not need to discover that one.
The Flowers:
     Easter is a lunar based holiday and many of the traditional Easter flowers are bulb based so that works.  EXCEPT for growers.  Usually EAster flowers are set out and THEN the spring bed flowers.  There are articles for growers and suppliers on how to handle the limited space available for all thier flowers.  Usually tulips are around for Easter.  Nope dead and gone this year.  Even my hyacinths weren't available, well not at reasonable prices.


Well those are my gripes but it all boils down to me just still struggling with what I can and can't do.  This year was also rough as Emily wasn't home and it was our first real holiday without her.  I did get her basket to her in Mobile and am so glad she was folded into the Hembree family's Easter weekend activities. 

You know what though despite all of that Easter was and always will be glorious.  Whether the meal is all it should be.  The weather is hot or cold and rainy. The baskets get filled or not. It all boils down to:

He's Alive and I'm Forgiven!!!

EOB = Explaining our Bull**** (I have many more)

    (Disclaimer) Health care is such a hot topic button right now.  I truly do not know which side of the argument I am on as I see faults and benefits to both.  Do we need reform?  Most definitely I just don't think there's a proposal out there yet that isn't too far one way or the other.  I have very little knowledge outside of personal experiences and those of friends.  I honestly can say I am not 100% against socialized medicine.  It absolutely baffles my mind the amount of people I know personally without health insurance ~ and these are not people on welfare or without full-time jobs!  I have a friend who lives in Canada so my info comes from her experience with socialized medicine.  She had no complaints whatsoever.  Waiting for an appointment is par for the course but she also impressed on me that they don't run to the doctor for every little ache and pain like Americans do.  If there is an emergency she gets in immediately.  She knows all her doctors and gets to see who she likes.  She also got paid to stay home when her children were born AND housekeeping was provided for the first 6 weeks.   With all of that being said onto my happy relationship with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida.

EOB= Expenses on Bren

     In November of  2007 we had a car accident and there were massive medical bills that followed.  Law suits were filed and all medical bills including BCBS were paid (oh did they take a mighty chunk).
I mention this because it seems that here now in 2011 BCBS believes that my stroke is related to a car accident and therefore are denying payment on all bills.  Yes I've heard that shopping in BJ's is very similar to a car accident when it comes to where your stroke occurred.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? In what reality does this even make sense??

EOB= Economic Opportunity BLOCKED

     The 10 day stay at the BCBS approved Orange Park Medical Center was just shy of 100K.   The hospital would like to know when they can expect payment.  I spoke with the billing office explaining that there was an error with BCBS gave them the name of the person I spoke with.  This was not enough for this person she wanted a 10% down payment which she would be happy to refund once they received monies from BCBS.....uh how about just my co-pay?  Well she couldn't be sure if BCBS would approve everything from THIS bill.  THIS bill are there others? 

EOB= Eyeing Our Bottom-line

     Well don't you know there are others.  They aren't exactly from OPMC but from their contracted doctors and providers.  This is the new way to get around "everything" being included in your hospital benefits co-pay.  Now we've had these before (Patrick racked up 30 days of hospital stay in 2006/2007) but never to the extent like this.  As far as I know the 3 MRI's I had occurred within OPMC.  Granted I can't share much about those first few days but I think I'd remember going somewhere.  Well they are within the hospital but in the X-RAY wing.  3 more co-pays. Plus the doctor who read them have their own co-pays as well. (they each billed $150 ~ my share is $75, BCBS paid $0.38 and the $74.62 gets written off!)

EOB= Enemy's Order of Battle 

    Most of us have had experience when it comes to doctors bills during a hospital visit.  You know the ones from a doctor you barely remember seeing who has just charged you $200 for his few minutes of time.  You are going to love this.  I received a bill, well no I haven't received the bill yet just the EOB, for $518 from a Dr. Diaz.  Have no clue who this man is.  I'm pretty confident you're sitting down but just in case you're not please do.  The EOB states "Benefits are provided for diagnostic and treatment services as specified in your benefit brochure. (Here if comes) Benefits are NOT AVAILABLE FOR TELEHEALTH SCREENING OR ASSESSMENT SERVICES."  Do you even have a clue what that means?  I sure didn't.  Hello BCBS ~~ Liset was so nice.  Even she couldn't figure out what was what and gave me the number of both the referring doctor and Dr. Diaz.   Well no wonder I couldn't find the man when I googled him.... HE'S FROM MIAMI!!  Can someone please explain to me why a doctor from OP who has access to what is called the Medical Corridor of the SouthEast right in his area code consult someone in Miami?  There are 88 neurologists right here in Jacksonville!!  The University of Florida/Shands hospital has 6 different departments with Neuro in their title.  Well it gets better.  Seems I was billed over $500 for what amounted to a skype session.  They apparently brought a TV in my room with a camera so the doctor could sit in his house in Miami and assess me.  This was done on Sunday morning and I have absolutely no memory of it but can assure you the conversation was one way. 

EOB= End of Bren